How do Flowers Hurt?
by Dionysus S
Summary: Just like the title says. How does Zelos fight with flowers? How do cards hurt? Why does Mithos wear bracelets. Why is there a light saber in Tales of Symphonia? What does Raine say when she attacks people?
1. How do Flowers Hurt?

Summery: Just like the title says. How does Zelos fight with flowers? How do cards hurt? Why does Mithos wear bracelets (this will not be answered)? Why is there a light saber in Tales of Symphonia? What does Raine say when she attacks people?

Disclaimer: I don't own ToS if I did, Pikachu would make a Cameo. All I own is this weird story.

Warnings: If you don't like random stupidity, don't read this. This is stupid and has no plot. And makes no sense. I was bored, so I wrote this. Yes. There are random curses. So it's rated T for language. It will obviously get worse later on, so don't say this should be rated K+. And there are spoilers. If I don't update in a while, don't sue, I have school to go to. Yes, I was being lazy, and instead of doing an essay, I write this nonsense. STOP PROCRASTINATING!

How do Flowers Hurt?

"Light Spear Cannon!"

"Sometimes I wonder..." Sheena said aloud to herself.

"Wonder what, Sheena?" Lloyd asked, walking up to her. He shielded his eyes from the intense sunlight he was suffering.

"Hell Pyre!" Zelos screamed, attacking a random Slime.

Sheena sighed and pointed over to their teammate, with an questioning look on her face. "How does Zelos fight with a bouquet of flowers? I mean, since he got that Noble outfit, he always fights with them!"

Lloyd looked over at Zelos, who was doing random poses and saying: "I bid thee adieu...just kidding!"

"I don't know..." He shrugged, kicking the sand. Lloyd then got down on his knees, wrapped his arms around himself and started complaining. "But watching him fight is making me hot. We should head back to Triet."

Sheena shook her head and put her right hand over her eyes, like she was saluting someone. "No, it's not possible. How can _flowers_ hurt anybody?"

Lloyd narrowed his eyes in annoyance and looked up at the Summoner. "Well, they are roses right?" When Sheena nodded, he simply rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers, "Well duh! The thorns!"

She rubbed her chin and nodded. "Yes, that would explain everything."

Lloyd looked back at the yellow sand and pointed at her: "The thing I wanna know is how you fight with a bunch of _cards_."

Sheena glared at him, obviously insulted by his ignorance. "There are not just cards. They're magically infused!"

"So basically they're just playing cards."

"Victory Light Spear!" Zelos yelled, attacking a random Bat.

"No! They're magically infused!"

"Magically infused my ass." Lloyd said, yawning.

"Ok, smart ass, how does Genis fight with his Kendama?"

"How the hell should I know?" He answered back, standing up.

Sheena gave him a powerful backhand, which sent the Swordsman flying into the failed Chosen of Tethe'alla.

"Double Demon...what the-not the face!" The red head screamed, falling onto a scorpion's stinger.

Lloyd got up and dusted himself off. "That leads me to another question. Why the hell do you say 'not the face'? I hit your stomach!"

Zelos groaned and rolled away. "Ah. My precious back." He murmured, laying face down on the sand.

Sheena clapped her hands together and pointed at Lloyd. "That's what you get!" She sauntered back to Triet. "Never question my integri-tah."

Lloyd looked back at Zelos, who was still on the floor. "Ugh, First Aid." The angel said, standing up. He pointed at the scorpion. "Now you're gonna pay! Burn! Eruption!"

Lloyd watched as the scorpion screamed and sizzled. "Hey, now I have some lunch to eat." He joked.

"That wasn't funny." Zelos muttered, pointing his flowers at him.

"Say, how do flowers hurt? It seems pathetic."

Zelos grinned evilly. "You wanna see?"

"Yeah!" Zelos snaked over to him and shoved the bouquet in his face.

"Ah! My eyes!"

"Feel the pain of these inferior thorns, as your eyes burn _in hell_!" Zelos hollered, slowing moving away like a snake.

* * *

Well, that made no sense whatsoever. But it was always a question I always wanted to ask. shrugs Yes, this wasn't detailed, and it wasn't really funny. But I don't care. Please R and R. And if you flame me, I'll laugh.

Thanks to a reviewer, I added the 'in hell' part.


	2. How do Cards Hurt?

I did another one.

Warning: A lil' OOCness, A little AU since Yuan's around. Language and some spoilers.

Disclaimer: I wished I owned Zelos, Kratos, Yggy-poo, Sheena and Yuan, but I don't. Namco does.

How do Cards hurt?

Zelos blinked and slammed his fists onto a desk.

"Damn you, Yuan!" He cried, pointing at him.

The half elf shrugged. "You're the one who challenged me to this stupid game. What's it called again? Fairing contest?"

"Staring." Zelos corrected, putting his chin on his open palm.

Sheena and Lloyd came into their inn room wearing Penguinist Gloves.

"Man, it is cold out there!" Sheena stated, running onto Yuan's bed.

"Why don't you use Efreet to warm you up?" Zelos cackled, rocking back and forth on his chair.

Sheena slowly turned her head to him. "Take that back. Or else."

"Or else what? You're gonna give me a paper cut with your lil' Playing Cards?"

Yuan pursed his lips and asked: "Do you know why Sheena's cards hurt?"

Zelos gave a side ways glance over to the blue head. "Her Cards hurt because...Yuan, you know too?" Yuan nodded enthusiastically.

"Yeah!"

"I wanna know too!" Lloyd screamed, running over to Zelos.

"Back up!" Zelos said, pushing Lloyd away from him. "You're too close. Anyway Lloyd, her cards hurt because..." He started to whisper, so Lloyd and Yuan moved in closer.

"That's right!" Yuan said.

"That's sick!" Lloyd said, shocked.

"That's Sheena for you!" Sheena got up and leaped over to where they were.

"What did you say?" She asked.

Zelos grinned. "Ok, I'll tell you. On one condition."

Sheena thought for a minute. "No."

Zelos shrugged, closed his eyes, and started to whistle 'Day after Tomorrow'.

"Tell me Yuan!"

The half elf got up and moved away when he noticed the look in Sheena's eyes.

"Enraged Banshee indeed." He muttered, stumbling for the door, with Lloyd in tow.

"What's all the ruckus?" Genis asked, pushing the door open. It smacked Yuan and Lloyd in the face, knocking them out.

Zelos' face dropped. "Aw shit. Well, time to hit the sac." He yawned loudly.

"I heard something about Sheena's Cards!" Genis said, smiling. Yuan woke up instantly.

"Cards you say? W-well, I have to get to sleep." He stuttered, trying to roll out of the room. But then Kratos came in.

"So Sheena's going to tell us how her cards work? Tell us indeed." He said, looking down at his friend. "What are you doing?" Yuan gave him a terrible look.

"I hate you."

"You like me? What?" Kratos questioned.

"Are you deaf?"

"You like Mithos?" The brown haired angel asked.

"Shut up!"

"Shut the door you say? Indeed!" He proceeded in closing the door. Yuan and Zelos looked at each other.

"I thought Lloyd was the dumb one." They both said. Sheena grabbed Zelos Noble Outfit collar.

"Tell me what you said!" She growled.

"Ok, ok! I said your cards are really Magically Infused with your mana!" Zelos whimpered.

"Oh, really? Yeah, that's right!" She let go of him and climbed off the table. Lloyd woke up afterwards.

"Zelos? Yuan? Did you tell her?"

Zelos and Yuan's faced turned impossibly white. "Lloyd...no."

"No you didn't? Sheena they said that you had sex with Kuchinawa, Celsius and Chief of Mizuho to get your powers."

Sheena's body stiffened. Kratos and Genis slowly started to back out of the room. The silently closed the door with a 'click'.

Zelos rushed to his feet and nearly flew over to Yuan for cover. Sheena twitched.

"How...how could I sleep with Celsius...You. You..."

"Run Away!" Yuan and Zelos screamed, tearing at the door.

"Damn! It's locked!"

"BASTARDS!" Sheena sprinted over to them. The two former Cruxis members looked at each other and nodded.

"Plan Alpha Omega! Angel time!" Zelos said as they both revealed their wings. Yuan pointed and did a front flip out of the Flanoir inn window. Zelos did the same, only he dove out. Sheena followed them, but landed on the floor while the other's flew away.

"You're not getting away! Annoying!"

"Oh no! She's in overdrive!" Zelos moaned.

Regal, Presea, Genis, Lloyd, Kratos, Colette and Raine were outside, watching.

"I call upon the Disciple of Everlasting Ice, I call upon the heavenly Messenger. I summon thee, come Sylph, come Celsius!"

The summons of Air and Ice appeared.

"Are you ready?" Sephie said, hitting the two Angels to the ground.

"Go! Go! Go!"

"Here I go!" Yutis and Fairess said in sequence, attacking them.

Zelos and Yuan laid on the snow, groaning.

"It's over!" Celsius screamed, hitting the ground, causing ice to appear in four directions around her.

"My face!" Zelos groaned.

"My ears!" Yuan said also as Celsius' attack reached them. Then Sheena walked up to them.

"Pyre seal!" She bellowed, blowing them away. She clapped her hands once more and did a thumbs up to the summons.

"Good job girls!" Celsius did the peace sign and disappeared. Sylph gave Sheena a high five and also disappeared.

Kratos and Genis stood up and applauded.

Raine and Regal left while Lloyd, Colette and Presea's mouth hung open.

"Never Challenge Sheena's Integri-tah!" Sheena said.

* * *

Another Chapter done. I actually thought this was a lil' funny.

Please R and R!


	3. Is Yggdrasill Gay?

Warning: Slight Shounen-ai. Slight Kraine, small Raine/Yuan, mention of Yggdrasill being gay. Slight OOC ness. More talks of challenging someone's Integrity and slight AU.

Disclaimer: Don't own it. But I really want Zelos...

Is Yggdrasill Gay?

Genis fingered the grain of salt on the table in Zelos' mansion. He sighed.

"I still can't believe we killed Mithos."

Yuan frowned. "Yeah, but he was messed up anyway."

Kratos, who was sitting on a sofa reading a newspaper, looked up and shook his head.

Zelos came downstairs with Colette.

"Hey, why is this place so solemn?" He asked, taking a seat next to Kratos.

"Mithos is gone."Genis stated. Zelos narrowed his blue eyes and looked at Kratos' face.

Kratos looked back at him and nodded. "Genis...Yggdrasill's gay."

Genis and Yuan's face contorted. "How dare you say such a thing about a fellow half elf!" Yuan slammed his hand on the salt container, causing salt to fly into Genis eyes.

"Ahhh!"

Yuan gave him a back hand and said: "Shut up!" Zelos sighed and put his legs on a table in front of him.

"It's true. One, look at his funkadelic clothes. Two, Mithos' has PURPLE bracelets. 3 to be exact. Three, his obsession with Kratos is beyond normal." Kratos nodded slowly and said:

"And I caught him staring at Zelos' butt too."

Zelos blushed. "Lies! Well, I saw Yggdrasill grope your butt!" Kratos faced him.

"Well, Chosen, I saw Yggdrasill pet your head!"

"Hey pops, I overheard Yggdrasill talking to Pronyma, and he said you clothes are really sexy. Specially with all those belt!"

Kratos thought for a moment. "And...uh...well, Genis you get the point." Yuan and Genis sighed deeply and sat down, trying to absorb the information they had just learned. That their former friend was gay.

****

Later that Night...

Zelos tossed and turned in his bed. His eyes flew open.

I could've swore I heard someone in my room...

The former Chosen sat up and looked around. _I must've been dreaming..._

He thought, when he notice no one was there.

Zelos laid his head on his pillow. His neck felt sore, and it hurt. "Whatever, I'll check it out in the morning..."

Unbeknownst to him, a figure was leaning on his wall.

The figure had long blonde hair and light blue eyes.

It chuckled. "He challenged Yggdrasill's integrity. No one does that." He nodded. "I wonder what he'll say when he sees that mark on his neck I left." Yggdrasill nodded again and floated out of Zelos' room. "Me, gay?" He snickered as he was about to go visit Genis. On his way, even though he didn't know which part of the house the half elf was in, he bumped into Kratos.

"Uh-oh." Cruixs' leader murmured. Kratos stared at him, his brown eyes were dull. After a minute of looking over his apprentice, he trudged away.

That's when Yggdrasill remembered: "Kratos' sleep walks!" As soon as he said that, Kratos turned around.

"Who said tha-ahhh!" He tripped and fell down the stairs.

"Dad!" Lloyd hollered, running out of his room and jumping down the stairs.

"Kratos!" Yuan screamed, following Lloyd.

"My Kratos!" Roared Raine, pushing Yuan out of the way. "Hunny!"

"What?" Yuan screeched.

"Arrogant SOB!" Zelos said, saying his cliched nickname. He slide down the hallway and looked at Yggdrasill.

"Wha...you're back...?" Zelos looked around. "Yuan! Sheena! Lloyd! Someone! Yggdrasill's ba-" Yggdrasill slapped him across the face.

"Be quiet. I am an illusion of the great Yggdrasill. Who will now kiss you. And my kiss shall knock you out because it scared you." And he did just that, and Zelos did faint.

"Maybe I am gay. Fo Shizel!" He said, teleporting away.

But, he didn't notice Genis was there. He had heard his sister's scary cries for her love, and Zelos' ridiculous shrill screams.

"Mithos...?" But he was already gone.

"Dad. Are you alright?" Lloyd asked. Kratos shivered.

"It was horrible, I saw..." Raine wrapped her arms around him.

"You're alright!" She ran her fingers through his hair. Kratos cringed.

"Yuan? What's wrong?" Yuan narrowed his dark sapphire eyes.

"You took my Raine away! You bastard!" He stomped back to his room and slammed the door.

Raine, Lloyd and Kratos were unfazed.

"Don't die before I do, Kratos...my dad!" Lloyd joked.

"That was corny." They heard Sheena yell from out of no where.

* * *

Another one. Yes, if you hate Shounen-ai, don't read this. Wait, you've already done that! Pls R and R! 


	4. Such Injustice

I made another useless chapter. This is worse than the first one, due to my lack of actually writing something funny. And people who read: "Obedience and Pain" Rejoice! I'll be putting up a new chapter sometime next week. And yes, Yggdrasill must be gay. And just in case you didn't know, in chapter 2, when Zelos whistled the _Day after Tomorrow _theme. That was the song for the GC Japanese version of ToS they play when you start up the game.

Warnings: A lot of uselessness. A lot of unneeded cursing, and saying: "Open a can of whoop ass" OOC ness to the max. Crazy dancing for no reason.

Disclaimer: I do not own "Body Snatchers" or "Mario" or ToS. Namco, Nintendo, and some movie company does.

Such Injustice

In the beautiful meadows of the Sybak continent silence braced the land...

"This is gonna be cake." Zelos said, as his group rushed into battle against a Druid and a Cutlass.

"Watch out for the spell!" Raine shouted, pushing past Zelos and Sheena.

"Whoa. What's she gonna do?" The red head asked his friends.

Yuan, Lloyd, and Sheena shrugged.

Zelos turned his head over to Raine as she pounded the Druid with her Deck Brush. "Uh, Miss Raine? Where going with my Pimp Plan!"

Raine quickly turned around and pointed her finger at him, while hissing, copying the monsters in the Body Snatchers.

Zelos took a step back and she also went back hitting the poor Druid with her 'staff', screaming incoherent words.

"What do you think she's saying when she hits people?" Sheena asked, as they went to help Raine out.

"Uh, 'Hit' and 'Star'?" Zelos guessed.

"No, I think she's saying 'Huh' 'Ha'." Yuan said, in a know-it-all tone. He jumped over Zelos, to the Cutlass and did: "Thunder Explosion."

Zelos grabbed the half elf's hair and pulled him back. "Um, no, I'm right." He growled. Yuan slapped his face.

"Don't touch me!"

"Don't tell me what to do!" Zelos yelled, jumping on him.

Sheena and Lloyd shook their heads.

"Beast Sword Rain!"

"Mirage Seal, Life Seal, Pyre Seal! How you like that?" Sheena said, as they defeated the Cutlass.

"Thunder Blade!"

Raine, Sheena, Lloyd and even the Druid turned to see Zelos' body fly behind them.

Yuan put the tip of his weapon on the floor and rested on it. "That's what you get." He said, with a smirk. Zelos quickly recovered.

"You Bastard!" He screamed, starting to cast a spell.

Yuan did the same thing. "Indignation!" He bellowed almost immediately, due to the item he was holding, which he had stolen from Zelos.

The Chosen immediately canceled his spell and ran toward the other angel.

"You idiot! Do you think I'm that stupid just to stay there?" Yuan could only watch in horror as Indignation finished with a big explosion, sending Zelos flying toward him.

"Super Sexy Ultra Zelos drop kick!"

The Druid, who was now afraid of the extremely long name of Zelos' attack, saw his chance to attack Raine. "Mana, root of creation. Gather before me! Destroy the enemy before me! Explosion!"

The group could only watch as Raine took a direct hit from the attack. "Professor!" Lloyd yelled, running over to the remaining enemy.

"Ok!" He said, going into an over limit.

Sheena looked to where Zelos was smacking the shit out of Yuan, and over at Lloyd.

_Where should I go? ..._

"...grant us the breath of life! Revitalize!"

Unfortunately, Raine's spell helped to recover Yuan. "Now time to open a can of Yuan whoop ass!" He pushed Zelos off, and started doing another spell. "I'll show you my powerlessness! Indignation Judgment!"

Sheena nodded. _Better go help Lloyd._

Zelos slowly shook his head as a green circle appeared around him, and a bunch of strikes that were really just overkill, came down on him.

"What a sorry way to go." He mumbled, slumping to the grass.

And just as that happened, the Druid was killed by Lloyd. Of course the group just HAD to say something, and for that Zelos, who was holding the Reverse Doll, reawakened.

"Victory..." Lloyd started.

"...Belongs to..." Yuan said.

"...The most..." Sheena and Raine continued in unison.

"...Sexy. Dead Sexy!" Zelos finished, and started to do the moon walk.

Yuan smiled. "Why thank you my good man!"

He froze and looked over. "Hey Lloyd! Can we fight another monster and do this quote all over again?"

Lloyd shook his head. "Sure, but we can't say the SAME thing! That would be stupid." Zelos did the body snatcher's thing.

"Don't Disobey, my child. You do not know the true power of the Sexy side." Lloyd gave him a look, but they went to go find someone to fight.

"A sewer rat! What the...where not even in Niflhem or the Meltokio Sewers, and THIS is what we fight? What is this place coming to?" Yuan screamed.

"Dude, shut up. Let's go guys!" Zelos said, pointing. "Lloyd, do Beast Sword Rain!"

"All right!" The sewer rat looked around to analyze who he was dealing with;

_An enraged teacher, whom I have heard from my friends, is obsessed with Ruins. She usually tends to smack her little brother's ass once in a while. Sources say that she gets high of that...Hits: Uh, Ruins. Pet peeves: Uh, people saying that she's afraid of water. Who the hell is afraid of water?_

_A very stupid swordsman who uses two swords. His IQ is lower than 45, and he has an attention span of a rat...er I mean a fly. Sources say that on his multiplication tables, he only knows up to 5 times six. Hits:..Lunch time! Oh Cheese! Pet peeves: People using big words. And when a certain someone hugs him._

_A blue haired half elf who thinks his cool, but tends to say stupid things, and people diss him which crushes his abnormally huge ego. Sources say that his fiancee was really a whore, and when he found that out, he hired Medusa to kill her. But failed... Hits: Martel, Hates: Kratos_

_A big-chested adult who makes pacts with Summon spirits. She uses Playing Cards to hurt people and give them paper cuts. Sources say she secretly has a crush on two people. Hits: Who knows? Her seductive outfits? Hates:_ _When people say her cards give them paper cuts. _

_And finally, a smart prodigy, who does dumb things that get his ass in trouble. His parents never liked him. Sources say that he stares at his own ass all day. Damn Narcissist! Hits: His face, his voice, his hair. Hates: Kratos. When people call him a loud mouth. _

The sewer rat, after a long analysis, realized he never got intelligence on how strong they were.

"Damn you, Mizuho Information Network! You people are prejudice against RATS!" It squeaked, trying to run away.

"No way! Burn Baby! Eruption!"

_Who the hell says burn baby?_ The rat thought, then it turned into a black streak on the grass.

Lloyd started:

"Dwarven Vow..."

"Number 7!" Raine screeched.

"Love and justice..." Genis said, coming in from somewhere.

"Will always win!" Colette beamed, suddenly appearing.

"Will always...wait? What? I told you to do that: 'Victory' thing. And what the hell is a Dwarven Vow?" Zelos screamed as he started to choke Lloyd.

Sheena and Yuan looked at each other. "Yeah, what is that?"

"That's it! We of Tethe'alla must make our own saying! Presea, Regal! Get over here!" Zelos commanded, as they stood in line.

"Hit it!" Sheena demanded, snapping her fingers. Yuan took out his latest invention: A boombox, and played the Tethe'alla fight theme.

Sheena and Presea started to do the robot.

Zelos spun on his head, and made random poses, while Regal broke dance.

Raine, Genis, Kratos, Lloyd, Colette and Yuan stared at them mouths wide.

As the song began to die down, Zelos took Sheena and through her in the air and they started:

"We must protect..." Regal stated.

"Tethe'alla's integrity and..." Presea said.

"Righteousness with our own hands." Sheena landed in Zelos arms.

"And speaking of hands, let's do the peace sign!" The Chosen demanded, setting Sheena down.

"Yeah, that's right!" Sheena agreed. So they all posed and did the peace sign.

"Here we go!"

That officially crossed the line. The Sylvarent group, and Yuan, fell on the floor and laughed.

"My Gods that was dumb!" Yuan cracked.

The Tethe'alla' teams' ego dropped rapidly.

"No one says that to us!" The bellowed together, some how going into an over drive.

"Grave!"

"Eagle Dive!"

"Finality Punishment!"

"I call upon the light of the heavens! Ancient ruler of the elements, I summon thee, Maxwell, Luna."

Well, things quieted down, after Zelos, Regal, and Presea opened a can of Tethe'alla whoop ass. So Sheena's summons appeared.

"Light!" Luna said, doing her 'Limited Ray.'

"Hohoho! Can you dodge this?" Maxwell asked, using 'Meteor Storm.'

"Fuck this! I'm leaving!" Kratos stated, out of character like. His wings appeared, and he teleported away.

"I don't need my intelligence to be questioned. Although that, did not make any sense. But anyways, I won't let my ass get whipped." Yuan also disappeared.

Colette looked over at Lloyd, and for once in her life, abandoned him by flying away. "I'm sorry Lloyd! But I must follow my angel friends..."

"NO! Colette don't leave me! I mean, what the fuck! I've never left your side! You damn whore!"

Genis was still wondering why Meteor Storm was taking to long when the two attacks hit them.

And no one heard from Raine, Genis, or Lloyd again.

* * *

Again, this is what my bored-ness led me too. Another chapter, that wasn't as funny as the other three. Thank you for all those reviews, I appreciate them. If you don't like this chapter as much, rejoice, the next one will be A LOT better. Ok, ok. I'm gonna end this. R and R. If you flame, I will DEFIANTLY laugh, 'cause I know this chapter was not that good. Oh yeah, what the hell DOES Raine say? And "Here we go!" was Mario. And I know why Raine's afraid of water. 


	5. Why I don't care

Ok, before I start, I want to make something clear. I made these chapters for a reason.

Chapter 1 was a question I always wanted to know the answer for. How the hell do you fight with Roses? So I made that, y'know Namco would never answer that!

Chapter 2 was made after my brother's crude remark saying: Does Sheena give Mithos paper cuts or something?

Chapter 3 was another crude remark, asking if Yggdrasill was from the 70's.

Chapter 4 was made because...what does Raine say?

And Chapter 5 was made for why didn't Yuan cry when Botta died?

Warnings: If you don't like Yuri or Shounen-ai, I guess you should kinda skip the last flashback. OCC-ness. Shounen-ai with Zelos. Zelos/Yuan mention, Raine/Martel/Yuan mention. Kratos/Yggdrasill mention. Um, cursing and suggestive themes.

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue

Chapter 5

Why I don't care

"You don't even care that Botta died?" Lloyd asked, balling his fists. Yuan rolled his eyes as Raine handed him the Rheaird. Zelos gave Lloyd and explanation and then they left. Yuan walked back to his desk and closed his cerulean eyes. "Why I don't care? Well there's reasons for that..."

_**Flashback**_

_Yuan rushed to the bathroom. He had eaten some bad Pizza and his stomach was making a lot of noise. The half elf kicked the door open and jumped onto the toilet seat. He barely made it. _

_When he was done, he reached out for the toilet paper. His fingers brushed up against bare cardboard. Yuan's eyes grew large as he slowly turned his head. _

_On the toilet roll, it read: 'Oh, you're fucked now!' -Lord Botta. _

"_BOTTAAAA!" Yuan screamed, hiking up his trousers and rushing down the hallways of the Flanoir base._

_He heard laughter behind his office door, so, in his rage, he broke it down. There he saw Zelos and Botta conversing. _

"_Master Yuan?"_

"_Yuey?"_

_Yuan cringed at Zelos' nickname. "Botta! Why didn't you replace the toilet tissue?" Botta looked at Zelos. _

"_So sorry, Master Yuan! I thought on of the other Renegades..."_

"_Thought what!" _

"_Jeez, Yuey-poo, let him finish!" Zelos said, standing from his chair. _

"_Don't call me that, Chosen! It's Yuan!"_

"_Then don't call me Chosen."_

"_No."_

"_Suit yourself, Yuey-poo."_

_Yuan let out a deranged yell then..._

_Grumble...gerrr..._

_Yuan held his stomach, he wasn't going to make it. "Zelos! I need your help!" _

_The Chosen understood completely and began ushering Yuan out of the room, down the hall. Finlay, when they made it, Yuan was about to turn to thank him when:_

"_Go Yuey!" And Zelos smacked his ass. _

"_Nooooo!"_

"_Uhgg! How utterly vile!" Zelos screeched, rushing off, holding his hand. "And don't think I won't tell Kratos about this, my lil' Yuan!"_

"_ARRGGG!" Yuan let out again, launching himself into the bath..._

Yuan shook his head. "And then there was that passcode thing..."

_**Flashback**_

"_Master Yuan! I got some passwords!" Yuan smiled at Botta. _

"_You don't say? Well, I got one too. 'Martel's Yuan.'" _

_Botta scowled, _"_No, that's too obvious. How's this: 'The almighty, sexy Botta' or 'The power of the star is the radiance of life'?" _

_Yuan frowned,_"_They're both stupid. But I like the second one. You're not sexy." He said, looking his friend up and down. _

_Botta walked away in anguish to go install the new password._

_Months afterwards-_

_Yuan was talking to Kratos over his large, walkie-talkie when suddenly Zelos came barging in, howling with laughter._

"_No, no, no! Even Lloyd and Regal thought it was stupid!" He pounded his fists on the table a couple of times. 'The power of the star is the radiance of life'? What the hell possessed you to use that as a password? And for that, I'm not giving you any information, my sexy lil' half elf." _

_Yuan's ego dropped. _

"_What the hell?" He_ _heard Kratos laughingly say on the other line. "Yuan! You're so...oh no. Lord Yggdrasill's coming...Oh hey Mithos. Who was I talking to? I was daydreaming about Yu-"_

_The line cut off. _

_Zelos began to cry because of his laughing. "Yuan, why? I mean, why not 'Ultra Sexy, hot Yuan?' Why 'The power of the star is the radiance of life'?" He fell to the floor. _

"_Stop it! Just stop! I didn't want it. It was that or: 'The almighty, sexy Botta!'" __Yuan felt like he was about to cry. Why did he have such worthless comrades?_

_The line came back on. "Yuan...that is so stupid! Is Zelos still there?"_

"_Yeah! What's up Kratey-watey?" _

"..._Never again. But anyway, what stupid name is that?"_

_They both started to laugh. Yuan felt so bad, he ran out of the room, weeping._

"_BOTTAAAA!" He yelled. "I hate you!"_

Yuan slammed his fists on the chair. "Then there was that damn Triet Defense Mechanism."

_**Flashback**_

_Yuan walked into his new base in Triet. "Morning Master Yuan!" His underlings greeted. Yuan felt so high and mighty, that he brushed past them. _

"_Yes, all hail your flawless, ultra hot leader Yuan!" _

_He had heard about an intruder to his base, but all he found was that worthless band of losers: Chosen of Sylvarent, Kratos, a hot half-elf woman, a kid and a dumbass. _

_After his intelligence was questioned by the dumbass, Yuan was feeling really bad. But he didn't show it, he was strong._

_And hot._

_So he walked into his base, forgetting to turn off the defense mechanism Botta had made. _

_Whirrr. _

_He opened his eyes and saw a robot fly over to him. He held out his hand and said: _"_Halt!" Yuan wanted to seem cool to all his underlings who were now watching him. _

_But the robot kept coming. "What the-" it shot out a bolt of lightning and it hit him. _

"_Ahh!" Yuan groaned, holding his arm. That hurt! Now he was seriously afraid. _

_Then another robot appeared...then 3 more. Just his luck. _

_Yuan began running around screaming his head off as the robots blasted him with lightning, his OWN element. The others were pointing and calling for help, snickering when they saw him look over. _

"_No!" Yuan let out, as his new cape was burned to a crisp. "45,000 gald!" Yuan felt tears stream down his face. _

"_Botta! I hate you!" _

Yuan felt tears well up in his eyes. "Then there was that inn in Hima..."

_**Flashback**_

"_Botta, you said Kratos is here?" Yuan asked. Botta nodded and they walked up the hill. Just as expected, Kratos was there, talking to Noishe. _

_Yuan's mouth turned into a grin, a sexy one, if he did say so himself. _

"_Kratos! Watch out!" He heard an all too familiar voice say, as he charged a lightning bolt in his hand._ _Kratos_ _quickly_ _turned around and slashed his sword back at him. _

_Yuan felt a sharp pain at his side. He looked behind him and saw Botta high-tailing his ass out of the city. _

"_Ah, Botta damn you!" Yuan murmured, teleporting away. _

Yuan held his side. "Then there was my sleep talking in my Flanoir base..."

_**Flashback**_

_Zelos had come for a visit, and Yuan was happy having some else other than BOTTA around. _

"_Hey Yuan." Zelos sighed, clearly depressed. _

"_What's wrong?"_

"_I'm sad. Lloyd and the others won't talk to me!"_

_Botta came in. "I have something to cheer you up! It's a little invention of mine called a tape recorder. Listen to this!"_

_He pressed a blue button and it began to play..._

_They heard mumbles and groans and Yuan's voice-_

'_Ah Martel. You're so sexy. Oh, you and Raine would be good together. All three of us..._'

_Zelos' mouth dropped. _

'_Oh Raine, you're so hot. Man, you need to get it on with my fiancee. Forget Kratos! I'm better looking!'_

_Yuan slowly turned his head to Botta. _

'_Yeah Zelos, you think you're all that and a bag of potato chips, but your not. You're better than that.'_

_Botta began to chuckle. _

'_Yeah Kratos, you're gay. And Lloyd is a dumbass. And Zelos is very sexy_. _Sheena is too. Plus Raine. Kratos, go sleep with Yggdrasill.' _

_Zelos dropped to the floor and laughed. _

"_Gimmie that!" Yuan cried, slapping the thing out of Botta's hands. It fell to the floor and broke in half. _

_Yuan's face turned red as he exploded: "That's IT BOTTA! I'm not gonna tell you that I hate you, my friend--for all the pain you've cause me. No, this time I'm going to tell you to DIE! Burn in HELL!"_

"_Be careful what you wish for." Zelos got up and wrapped his arms around Yuan. "Don't be angry! It's just sleep talking. Lots of people do that." He rubbed his cheeks against his. "Oh my! Your half-elven cheeks are so soft!" _

_Yuan slapped Zelos' face. _

Yuan clapped his hands together. "Well, Botta's dead."

Zelos barged into his office. "Hey, Raine thought you may feel bad, it's a pizza slice, so she made some food for you. But knowing her..." He cringed.

Yuan grabbed the plate from his hands. "Raine! My RAINE made this for me?" He opened it and shoved it down his mouth.

Suddenly his stomach hurt and grumbled. "Shit..." He whispered, running to the bathroom.

"Goodbye Yuan! I hope the toilet will have a good meal!" That was ignored.

Yuan sat down on the green toilet seat. When he was done he reached for the paper. He turned his head when he felt, not the soft touch of freedom, but cardboard.

Yuan saw some words, and it said:

"'Ha, Yuey, you're fucked now!' -Signed the Ultra Sexy, beautiful, I think Lloyd's kinda cute Zelos and Kratos. And Botta.

"DAMN YOU CHOSEN! DAMN YOU KRATOS! BURN IN HELL BOTTA!"

* * *

That's the end. Pls R and R. It's like 9:49pm, I need to get ready for school again! Damn me! 


	6. Why Colette trips

Ok, ok. I updated, after being sure I failed countless of test trying to think up a chapter. taps chin I noticed there were a lot of typos in the last chapter, but will I fix them? NO! I'm thinking of making a chapter about why Kratos says: "Take this!"

Oh and an error I spotted. In chapter 2, I meant Zelos was whistling: "Starry Heavens." Day after Tomorrow is the band that sings it.

Warnings: This is a perverted lil' chapter about why Colettey-poo trips so much. Shojo-ai to the point that it scares people. Cursing. Colette/Raine, Colette/Sheena, Colette/Seles, Colette/Presea, Colette/Pronyma. Slight Kraine, slight Yuan/Zelos, Yuan/Raine. (That's like in every chapter)

Disclaimers: Don't own. If I owned it, Colette would be a perv.

Why Colette trips

It was a beautiful day on the Meltokio continent. Seles and Lloyd had decided to make a picnic. But away from the group sat a perverted, evil, plotting angel . . .

Colette tapped her fingers together as she devised a plan.

"Now who shall be my next victim?" She said to herself.

_The only reason I trip on people is because . . . _She grinned to herself.

"I'm such a big pervert."

"What was that Colette?" Zelos asked as he walked past her. He gave her a suspicious look. "Did you call me a pervert?"

Colette shook her head. "No, I was talking about . . . Lloyd."

Zelos nodded and skipped away, obviously happy about something.

She rolled her eyes and thought back to the many times she had tripped on 'accident'.

_**Flashback**_

"_That book must be here somewhere . . . " Sheena said, searching the Sybak library. Colette grinned an evil grin and bounded up to her. _

"_Hey Sheena, thanks for helping-ahh, oops!" She fell forward and landed on Sheena. _

_The summoner blushed. "Ah, Colette! Are you okay?" Colette smothered her face into her bare chest. _

'_Ahh, they are so smooth . . . ' The blond angel thought, moving away. "I'm so sorry!" _

_Sheena backed up and turned around. "It's alright. Now let's look for that book . . . "_

Colette smirked and leaned back on the tree she had spotted. "And there was Raine at the Altamira beach . . . "

_**Flashback**_

_Colette smiled at Lloyd as he walked off to talk to Zelos. She then rolled her eyes and went over to Raine. "Hey Professor! I love your swimsuit!" _

_The healer smiled gratefully. "Your's is quite cute too. Thank you for your comment." _

"_Why aren't you in the water?" _

_Raine's face turned white. "Because . . . I'm thinking of my dear Kratos! My love . . . !"_

_Colette frowned. 'Kratos . . . ' _

"_Is anything wrong dear?"_

_Colette moved forward. "No, I just feel so...ahh-oops!" _

_She tripped and flew between Raine's legs face up, somehow. Colette opened her eyes, looked at the healer's blue underwear, which read:_

"_I own you."_

_The angel nodded while Raine moved forward. "Dear! Are you all right?"_

"_Yes, sorry!"_

"_It's ok."_

Colette felt a blush coming on. "Then there was Presea at the inn in Flanoir . . . "

_**Flashback**_

"_The temperature is 0 degrees Celsius. Snow is turning into ice and I must get to bed." Presea stated hiking up her boots. Colette watched with an intent stare. _

"_Presea, do you need help? I mean, my fingers are so numb . . . " She snaked over to her._

"_No, Colette, I am quite fine. I thank you for your concern."_

"_Ok, but let me...ahh, oops!" _

_She landed on the axe user's back. "Sorry!" Colette put her hands on Presea's butt, making it look like she wanted to stable herself. _

_Presea didn't say anything, seemingly unaware that Colette was groping her. _

"_I'm fine." She answered back. _

Colette walked down the hill to the picnic Lloyd had set up. "Then there was Pronyma at the Fooji Mountains . . . "

_**Flashback**_

"_Leave this alone! Lloyd gave it to me as a present!" Colette smacked Pronyma's hands away with her Chakram. The half elf flew away, holding her hand. Yuan was staring lamely at Raine and Zelos, for reason's unknown. _

'_Hey, is Pronyma wearing a skirt?' Colette moved backwards. "Ahh, oops!" She landed on her butt and looked over at Pronyma, whose back was facing them. Colette_ _grinned and thought;_

'_Wow, nice as-'_

"_Wow, what a nice ass-I mean, Pronyma! Are you all right?" Yuan screeched, turning his face to hide his blush. _

_Zelos ran up to Colette and picked her up. He pointed at Yuan. "You called me stupid!"_

_Yuan threw a glare at him. "Yes, that's very nice. Pronyma, deal with them." He winked at Zelos and Raine, then went to check the Rheairds. _

_Zelos shuddered. "Eww . . . "_

Colette sighed. "There's no more girls. I tried to look at Princess Hilda, but Zelos hit me out of the way with his hips."

"Big Brother! Look, I made a pie for you!"

_SELES! She wears a dress!_

The blue-eyed 16 year old ran over to Seles Wilder. Zelos was also closing in on his sister, afraid that Colette would trip on her.

"Seles, that cake looks marv-ahh, oops!" She did a front flip, twirled 360 degrees in the air and landed under Seles.

Colette opened her eyes and read her underwear:

"Zelos pwns."

_Wow._

Seles jumped back, pulled out her purse and yelled: "PERVERT! You seduced my brother this way! Away with you, ye old hag!" She smacked Colette in the face with her bag.

Zelos skidded to a stop, and hightailed his ass out of the area. Colette held her head and revealed her wings.

"Colette's a pervert? No wonder she landed on my chest."

"She groped my butt."

"She looked at my underwear! Kratos, console me!" Raine dove to the auburn haired man, who was minding his own damn business.

"Aw Hell no! Yuan, save me!"

"You wish, you took my Raine away! Now where the hell did Zelos go?" The half elf asked, walking away.

Colette flew away and cursed.

"Damn, the secret's out! They know I'm a pervert. NOOO!"

* * *

O.o Wow, but that's really why I think Colette trips so damn much. Please R and R! 


	7. The Wilders vs the Sages

This chapter is about a fight. Obviously. Read this slowly, as the dialogue may get confusing.

Warnings: Cursing, violence. Slight Kraine, Yuan/Raine, Yuan/Zelos. The Iron Maidens are from RE4.

Disclaimer: Uhh, I love Yuan, but I can't have him. Namco owns him . . .

The Wilders vs. the Sages

A peaceful day on the Hima continent, the only nuisance was near the forest, two smart half-elves arguing their butts off . . .

"You're dumb, Genis. I'm obviously smarter than your dumb butt." Seles stated, pointing at him.

Genis narrowed his blue eyes. "Puh-leaze. I'm way smarter than you, and so is my sister. Your brother is a dumb ass and a pervert."

Seles gasped. "You DARE insult my brother while I am here? BROTHER! BROTHER!"

Zelos rushed over to his sister's side. "My dear Seles, what is the matter?"

"Genis said he's smarter than me, and you're a dumb ass."

Zelos wasn't shocked. "The brat is a fucking loser. He's in love with Mithos."

With that comment, Genis called his sister. Raine rushed to her brother's side.

"My dear Genis, what seems to be the problem?"

"Zelos called me gay, he said you're a lesbian, and you like Yggdrasill."

Zelos raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. Raine was outraged. "How DARE you say that! Kratos is the man for me!"

The former Chosen let out a sigh. "Raine, shut-up."

"Don't tell my sister to shut-up, you asshole!"

"Shut-up, Genis!"

"Don't say that to my little brother, Seles. You prick. You Wilder's are nothing but spoiled children. You're parents must've made a mistake!"

That hurt the Wilders' ego and pride. "You've gone too far with that, Miss Raine! No one insults my parents, well besides my dad!" Zelos cried, going into his battle stance.

Seles and the Sages did the same.

"Come and get some."

"Come on, bring it!"

The Wilders said at the same time.

"So, so sad."

"Hehehe...are you afraid?"

The half-elves taunted.

"Ready Seles?"

"Ready brother!" They started to cast their spells.

"Ready! Indignation Judgment!"

The rest of the group watched from a safe distance as Raine and Genis used Prism Stars. Both of their attacks did direct hits.

Yuan smiled lovingly. "Ahh, Raine is so beautiful when she fights. I want them to win. But, oh wait, Zelos is so graceful. I want him to win!"

Kratos cringed. "You like Zelos? You faggot. I feel bad for Martel."

Everything seemed to slow down as Yuan turned his head. "Did you say something...oh no you did not. Is Yuan gonna have to choke a bitch? I think I have to get up over there and choke a bitch. I mean, I try to be nice . . . Sheena. Get over here! No one insults me!" His hands reached out, like an Iron Maiden, and pulled the summoner over to him.

"You earnestly think you can defeat me?" Kratos asked.

"I'll show the difference of our strengths. The Yuan Fujibayashi team. Sheena, use an electric thing!" Yuan commanded, as he began to do a spell.

Kratos snapped his fingers and his son turned up behind him. "I'm ready dad. Not a chance!"

"A pathetic sight..." The man said, beginning his spell too.

They begin their battle...

"Are you ready for this? Thunder Blade!"

"What's the matter, afraid? I call upon the Hammer of Godly thunder. I summon thee, come Volt."

"..."

"I'll show you! Divine Justice!"

"Out of the way, Grave!"

The four attacks hit home at the same time. No one staggers.

Fortunately, Regal, Presea and Colette foreshadow the disaster that will soon come and leave the area.

The Wilders, Sages, Yuan Fujibayashi and Aurion-Irving begin their attacks again.

"Indignation Judgment!"

"Prism Stars!"

"Falcon Grave!"

"Holy Volt Blade!"

The attacks being fired at once caused the place to light up. It was like 100 atom bombs exploding at once.

And no one heard from Yuan, Sheena, Seles, Zelos, Lloyd, Raine, Kratos or Genis again.

However, Regal, Presea and Colette were at the local bar, getting drunk.

"I won't lose to the likes of you!" Colette taunted to the beer can, which she had dubbed: "Heineken's."

"...Stupid!" Presea shouted to the bottle, which she had named: "Schnapps."

"Think you can defeat me?" Regal asked to the beer, which he called "Cors-light."

The three pounded their fists on the table, obviously drunk.

"No one can defeat us!"

* * *

Who would win in a fight, the Wilders or the Sages? I dunno, so I made it a draw. Please R and R. Did I spell cors-light wrong? 


	8. Lightsaber

This is why the light saber is in Tales. Aselia is the name of the re-united worlds in Tales of Phantasia.

Warning: Violence. Crossover. Yuan/Raine.

Disclaimer: Don't own ToS, don't own Star Wars.

_In a galaxy far, far away . . . _

**Theme Plays . . . **

"Luke, defeat Vader you have. No need for light saber no more."

"Master Yoda, what should I do?"

"Ah Young Skywalker, throw Saber out of galaxy you must."

"But Master, I can't! It's.."

"Shut the fuck up, you must. THROW the damn light saber to Aselia, you faggot."

"Yes sir."

"Use the damn force, hoe."

With that, Luke uses the force and tosses the saber out of the desert planet to Aselia.

* * *

The group was situated outside the Earth temple, trying once more to do the Kendama competition.

"Ahh, this is useless!" Zelos cried as Lloyd snatched it from his hand.

"Lemme try again." He said, bouncing the ball up and down.

Sheena and Zelos watched him with serious faces. Genis saw a glint in the sky and said:

"Hey, Zelos, isn't that your sword?"

Zelos looked up and saw the Light Saber flying toward the ground.

"Ehh, no. It's with Kratos..."

Just as he said that, Kratos appeared. "That's not my sword. You see, this sword was made by Cruixs, 3,000 years ago. That thing must be a rip-off."

Everyone nodded. "But wait, is that thing flying..." Sheena said.

"...right toward..." Genis muttered.

"Raine's arm...?" Lloyd finished. They watched as the Light Saber cut through Raine's arm.

"AHH! MY BEAUTIFUL ARM!"Raine turned around, eyes flashing. "Zelos! This is YOUR sword!"

Kratos glanced at them and made a run for it.

"RUN AWAY!" They all yelled, chasing after Kratos.

At that moment, Yuan skipped over. "My beautiful Raine. What seems to be the problem? Wait, what is with that look in your eyes? Is that the rip-off of the Light sword I heard so much? Wait, are you going to throw that at..."

Raine, seeing that she disliked Yuan, threw it at his throat.

Yuan died that very day.

* * *

...that really didn't answer the question. Please R and R. 


	9. Yuan: The Peeping Half Elf

Y'know Yuan's a pervert. He has great perverted potential.

Warning: Shouen-ai, cursing, perverted-ness, weird pairings. Kraine (and NO I'm not a Kraine Fanatic! I just think it's funny) Yuan/Zelos, Minor Colette/Sheena, Geles (Genis/Seles), Regal/Presea, Shelloyd and I think that covers it. Wow, shounen-ai, straight and Shojo-ai pairings. Sweet.

Disclaimer: Don't own G Gundam, _I ran so far away_, Tos.

Yuan, the peeping half-elf

Yuan had always been a pervert. A peeping Tom perhaps. No one knew. Until one day...

Colette was walking down the hall way of the Luin inn. She stopped when she saw Yuan peeping through a handmade hole in the door. Colette asked:

"Yuan, is that Raine's room? Isn't she changing?"

Yuan turned his face slightly, trying to silence her.

"Shh...!"

"Who's there! If I find out who..." Raine roared.

The two angels looked at each other, faces white, and yelled, disguising their voices: "RUN AWAY!"

Yuan took off down the hall and flew out a window, breaking his leg, while Colette made a break for Lloyd's room.

**The next day...**

Colette was walking upstairs when she found Yuan looking through a slightly opened door. She asked:

"Yuan, is that not Zelos' room? Isn't he changing?"

Yuan clenched his fists and tried to shut her up.

"Uh! Who's there? It better not be Kratos!" Zelos screamed.

Yuan and Colette stared at one another. "Run away!" She said. Yuan shook his head.

"Nuh-uh. I think I'll stay." He opened the door and walked in. "It is I, my Zelos."

"Ohoho! Come here!"

They started making obscene noises that made Colette want to throw up.

**The day after...**

Colette had just finished eating her banana and was walking to her room when she noticed Yuan, once again, looking through a door.

"Isn't that Sheena's room? She's changing right?"

Yuan nodded gleefully. Colette giggled and ran next to him.

Sheena was naked, doing poses in front of a mirror and saying things like:

"Regret messing with me? Well it's too late now! Lloyd, you're so cute! Zelos, you're an asshole..."

Yuan and Colette started to blush. Colette coughed and Yuan began to cry over it.

"WHO'S THERE? ZELOS!"

They once again look at one another and yell: "RUN AWAY!"

Yuan disguised his voice so he sounded like Colette and Colette hid her voice by sounding like Yuan. That wasn't smart at all...

"Colette? Yuan! I'm gonna kill you two!"

Yuan did a front flip out of a window and broke an arm while Colette ran back down the stairs.

**The next day...**

Colette again found Yuan looking through Seles' door.

The half elf turned his head and sighed. "Every time you come, we get caught." He said, extremely loud.

"Brother! You again!"

The angels shook their heads and ran off. Yuan dove into Zelos' room and Colette passed it.

"Yuan, again? Why my love!"

They started making loud noises, which made Colette's next destination; the bathroom.

**The Day after Tomorrow... **

Colette was sure that Yuan was being a peeping Tom, so she rushed up to where he thought he would be next. Presea's room. When she got there, she found out she was right!

Only Yuan wasn't only there, but the whole group was too.

"What's happening?"

Seles scratched her hair. "This is Judgment Day for you two perverts!"

Yuan got on his knees. "Please, I'm just sexually deprived!" Zelos' grunt could be heard throughout the inn.

Kratos shook his head. "No, Yuan and Colette. Your actions were dishonorable."

Lloyd nodded. "We must punish you!" He, his father and Seles brought up their swords.

"Die! We mean...uh..."

Zelos pushed them out of the way and threw his hands over Yuan. "No, no one hurts my Yuan! Come, my lil' half-elf. We must run! Run so far away! We must run, run all night and day! So we can get away!" He picked Yuan up bridal-style and ran off. The former Chosen then tripped over the banister and fell to the first floor.

"I'm ok..." He groaned. Yuan got to his feet, picked Zelos up and jumped out the window.

Then there were nine.

Raine looked over at Kratos with a scary look. "My love! I'm near you once more!"

"Hell no!" Kratos did three back flips down the stairs, kicked the door down and ran out into the city. Raine was in hot-pursuit.

Then there were seven.

Genis stared at Seles. "You're hot. Although you look like Zelos with short hair."

Seles smiled. "Genis, wanna get married and not talk to each for months at a time?"

"Do I? Of course! Hey do you know the sub-atomical equation for..." They pranced off, talking about math and Science.

Then there were five.

Regal eyed Presea. "I know you're 26. And you're better looking than your sister. Do you wish to go out with me?"

Presea nodded, so they left too.

Then there were three.

Sheena put her arm around Lloyd and winked at him. He got the message and they went into a room.

Colette looked around. "What about me?"

"No one likes you!" Everyone yelled from their respective places.

_But I love Lloyd! No one takes him away!_

She barged into the room Sheena and Lloyd were in. They were play Monopoly.

"Lloyd...I love you!" Lloyd gave her the finger.

"Shut up skank."

Colette was appalled and she started to burn with rage once she saw Sheena's look of triumph.

"GAH! Take my love, my anger and all of my sorrow! SHINING FINGER!"

No one heard from Sheena or Lloyd from that day forth...

* * *

Yes, please R and R. 


	10. We got pwnd

...School. I hate it. Well, I made this chapter because...well I was watching Robot Chicken one day. And it was the Voltron thing and it had a dance :blah, blah, blah:

Warnings: I may have spelled some things wrong, like the song names, so bear with me. Five random cameo's, cursing, some violence. Yggdrasill/Zelos, Yuan/Zelos. Oh, I was too lazy to see were Farah comes from...

Disclaimer: Don't own any of the songs mentioned, Pikachu, Mario, ToD, ToS, ToP or ToE. Eternidestiny was something I made up. It's a combined name of Eternia and Destiny. Or Scryed...or Pokemon...

We got pwnd

"Ok guys, we need money. So who wants to be on my team for the coliseum?" Zelos Wilder asked, pointing at his friends.

"Well..." They all mumbled.

"We're going for the advance team battle, idiots. So I need a strong squad. Kratos, Yuan, wanna join me?"

"What about ME!"

"Shut-up, Lloyd." Zelos said back, grabbing Yuan and Kratos' arms and dragging them into the gate. "Why don't you go and pay? I don't have any money on me..." The three quickly disappeared.

Kratos fitted his gloves, while Yuan fixed his hair. "Ok, it's time to represent!"

Zelos said, and the three entered the arena.

_**Back to Lloyd and the others...**_

Unbeknownst to them, Yggdrasill was floating over to the group, knife in hand.

"Ok then, 1,000 Gald?" Lloyd muttered, bringing out a purse. Yes, a _purse_.

"What kind of guy uses a purse?" Yggdrasill asked, putting away his wings.

The group turned around and gasped.

"Yggdasill!"

"Shaddap! Didn't you hear Zelos screaming about me the other day? When Kratos fell down the stairs... Speaking of those idiots, where are they? 'Specially Zelos. I want my scary kiss of death to paralyze him."

"Yuan has Zelos now. They're love-"

"Silence!" Yggy screamed, giving Sheena a pimp slap.

"What kind of guy wears spandex?" Lloyd asked randomly. Yggy looked down at him and frowned.

"Random ass loser. Let's see, I know a few...Link, Marth, Roy, Ganon...Zelos...Kratos...and um...SILENCE!" Yggdrasill gave Lloyd a well deserved bitch slap. He then ran past them and entered the gates to the coliseum.

"How did he even know they were there?" Colette asked.

"Because, I know where my true love is!" Yggdrasill answered back, although no one could see him...

_**Now Zelos and the rest...**_

"Ho-hah!" Zelos said, killing the final Druid. "I rule! I'm soooo cool!"

Yuan gagged. "Your corniness is quite scary, my love."

Kratos pretended he didn't hear that.

"Time for the expedition match! Me, being an asshole, didn't tell you before. But since I'm an ugly bastard, I'll tell you who they are!"

Three figures appeared from out of nowhere.

"This one is Garr Kelvin a.k.a. Woodrow Kelvin. But his real name sounds like the American president, so his alias is Garr!" The archer gave the MC the finger and took out his bow.

"This cool lil' lady is Meredy a.k.a. Melody. Her real name sounds like...well, you sing it in chorus. So Meredy fits her." The purple haired girl looked down at her shoes.

"Last, but certainly least, the last person on this team, Farah Oersted. Not that I know her real name or anything."

The three got into their battle stances.

"Bring it, pretty boy." Garr said, glaring at Zelos.

"C'mon, old man!" Farah smirked over to Yuan.

"Faggot!" Meredy screamed. Kratos was stunned.

"I'm no faggot! They are!" He pointed over to the other angels.

Garr dismissed them. "We, of Eternia and Destiny, a.k.a. Eternidestiny must kick these usurpers' asses. They think all because more people know them, they can take our pride?"

"Ooh, team we just got served! Symphonia! Represent!" The three angels said in unison, revealing their wings.

The six rushed at each other. Garr took on Zelos, Meredy took Kratos, and the other two took each other on.

"Zeelllooosss! Hunny! Are you here?"

Zelos, who was about to use Super Lightning Blade, paused and his face grew pale.

"Oh shit, it's Yggdrasill!" The red-haired man began to scream like a baby, as he flew right and left. Garr's mouth dropped and he stepped away from him.

The others stopped fighting as they saw a blond haired man fly into the arena.

"Y-Yggdra...Mithos?" Yuan questioned. His face then clouded. "Stay away from Zelos! He's mine, skank!"

The Eternidestiny people pulled back. "Let's start to charge our attacks. When they are off guard, then we strike!" Prince Garr commanded. The girls nodded.

_**In the stands...**_

Sheena and the rest watched Yggdrasill chase Zelos around, while Yuan was throwing rocks at his former friend.

"Ok guys, we don't know who the hell those four are. We just leave as if we don't know them, got it?" The summoner asked.

"Got it." The team answered, standing up. The league of extraordinary friends snaked away to the exit.

_**Back to the fight...**_

"Cool your jets." Kratos said, using his lame metaphors. He turned his attention to the Eternidestiny team, and realized what they were about to do. Kratos looked at his teammates.

Yggdrasill was hugging Zelos to death. Yuan was kicking Mithos in the shin, but it had no effect, and there was a random kid picking his nose.

_Looks like it's all up to me, Kratos Aurion, father of Lloyd, husband of Anna, ruler of Yuan, teacher of Mithos, hater of tomatoes, lover of apples, hottie of Aselia, to take these punks on. _

"Outta my sight! Thunder Blade!"

But the Eternidestiny team was ready.

"Gale!"

"Indignation!"

"My beast attack in which I forgot the name, for I am Farah Oersted, ruler of the elements, fighter of fighters, leader of Garr, hater of Melody, hottie of wherever I come from! I have a bigger cans then Sheena Fujibayashi!"

"Aww hell no!" Sheena jumped into the arena. "No one, I mean _no one_, has a bigger chest than me! For I am Sheena Fujibayashi, hater of Zelos, lover of Lloyd, killer of Seles, ancestor of Suzu Fujibayashi, traitor of Mizu...Tethe'alla! I call upon the plumber from the deep depths of the toilet, I summon thee, come Mario!"

Mario appeared, for some odd reason. "Let's-a go!"

"Who the _fuck_ is he?" Everyone yelled.

"He's too fat! He defies the law of Psychics! No one does that, besides us! Attack!" Garr and Yggdrasill roared. Farah, Kratos, Zelos, Yuan, Merady, Garr, and Yggdrasill all jumped Sheena's summon.

"Super Lightning Blade!"

"Prism Sword!"

"Thunder Explosion!"

"Take this! Grave!"

"Gale!"

"Beast!"

"Indignation!"

Mario died that very day.

The Eternidestiny team and the Symphonia team smiled at one another. "You guys are quite formidable. Wanna go to the disco and have a dance off?" Zelos asked.

"Do we? Let's-a go!" The Eternidestiny team cheered.

So the group left the arena, much to the MC's shock and went to the disco building. Yggdrasill, Yuan, Kratos and Garr owned everyone doing actual disco dancing to _Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto_.

"Funkadelic!" The four yelled, doing the Point.

"No one listens to this crap anymore!" Merady, Raine, and Farah pointed out. They snapped their fingers, and country music came on.

"Yee-haw! Where'd you come from, where'd you go?" The girls started to square dance to: _Cotton Eyed Joe. _

"You're _wrong_! People listen to this!" Regal cleared his throat, and some heavy metal started to play. "Bob your head! Something, something, something, fries! Bob your head!" Colette began to bob her own head.

Lloyd and Presea brought out a boom-box, Yuan's boom-box to be exact, and blasted the _Numa, Numa Dance_.

"Random! No one likes that crap anymore! _This_ is what home-slices listen to! _Ready, steady Go!_" Sheena, Zelos and Genis started to break dance, and pwnd all the other music.

The rest sat down and began to cry as they watched the three do the Cabbage Patch move.

A move of desperation...the only move you use when you've run out of moves...

"Served, served, served, served, served!" Kratos and Yuan said together.

"Daaaaaaammmmnnnn!" Lloyd said, dragging out the word for dramatic tension.

And, for some reason, they went into an over limit. "Run away!" The others cried.

"We don't get owned! We pwn!"

Zelos and Genis put on gold rings. "Wonder twins...activate!"

"Form of, a super sexy red head!" A puff of smoke appeared, and Zelos turned into...Zelos.

"Form of, a bucket of water!" Another puff of smoke, and Genis turned into...a bucket of water.

"I call upon the hammer of Godly thunder, I summon thee, come Pikachu!"

The pokemon appeared, ready to fight.

"We pwn, you get owned, we all laugh! Represent!"

A big explosion occurred...

"More power!" Zelos screamed.

"And more!" Genis continued.

"And more!" Sheena finished.

"Shine brighter! Exterminating, final blow!" Pikachu, Genis, Sheena and Zelos yelled together.

The whole disco blew up in flames.

_**Five miles away...**_

Garr, Merady, Farah, Lloyd, Colette, Regal, Raine, Yggdrasill, Yuan, Kratos and Presea were having a picnic with Seles.

"More tea, my good sir?"

"Why yes, of course, Seles." Garr answered, taking the cup of tea.

* * *

...Wow, such major stupidity. 

Er, anyway, I hoped you liked this. It made no sense at all. :bangs head on Algebra 2 textbook: I have to write a chapter on why Kratos says: "Take this!"

Please R and R! And no stupid flames.

The Cabbage patch, for all who do not know, is that thing when you ball your hands into a fist and make your arms go in a circular motion, horizontally. ...Go look it up on Google or Yahoo!

The point is that disco thing when you hold your pants (optional?) And you other hand goes diagonally up and down.


	11. DGC: The True Story

Oh, so I didn't want to move this rating up, so I lessened my foul language. Sorry if the bad words offended anyone. Well, this chapter is in no way making fun of anything. Well, besides my Bush comment. I just wanted to put that down, because it may seem that I'm making fun of something...besides Bush.

**Warning:** Major OOC-ness, AU. Language and some spoilers.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own, if I did, well. We mustn't get into such things like that. I only own the words in my fiction...well, not really.

**SUGGESTIONS NEEDED:** I put that in all caps, bold so you can see it. If you have any suggestions for the next chapters, tell me in your review.

DCG, the true story: Episode 1

**In the great Iselia forest, our group sits around, doing nothing...**

Yggdrasill, the great Mithos Yggdrasill was pissed off.

He watched Yuan and Zelos flirting in the corner. He didn't even know why he was with the group. In fact they all pissed him off.

Besides Raine, she was hot.

And Seles, she was hot too.

And Sheena.

"That's it! I'm so depressed!" Zelos randomly screeched, his yell echoing throughout the Iselia forest.

"Zelos-hunny! Whatever is the matter?" Yuan asked, reaching for his waist. The group stared at Yggdrasill, who was watching with growing ire.

Suddenly, a random voice boomed throughout the forest, "Zelos Wilder! Seles Wilder! I know what troubles you! Come to Altamira, in Tethe'alla and get out of this stupid piece of crap you call a forest."

Zelos and Seles were amazed. "Brother!"

"Sister! We will find out our biggest troubles!" The two Wilders skipped happily out of the crap forest of Iselia, humming a tune.

**In Altamira**

Zelos and Seles had used their gay Rheairds to get to the city as fast as they could.

The group found them outside the hotel, confronted by a blue haired thing floating on a chair. Yuan, being over protective, ran over to Zelos and stood in front of him.

"What the hell are you asking them?"

"I am the great Forcystus! How dare...LORD YUAN!"

Zelos scoffed, "Looks like bad-ass their Kratos didn't finish Forcy like he thought he did. Or was it Lloyd?"

Yuan's mouth was open, but he quickly closed it and composed himself. "Simpleton! Are you the one who called my Zelos over here?"

Forcystus blinked a couple of times, before he burst out in uncontrollable laughter, falling out of his cheap arss chair.

"Ohshitohshitoh shizay! Did you just call Lord Zelos, _My _Zelos? Haha, I knew you were a wuss, after Botta told me about how your dumb cape got burned by some robot shooting lightning at you. It's not even a cape! Are you trying to be cool? Wearing a thing that looks like an over-expensive piece of crap rug and has a split? What, are you just trying to show your flat butt off? Huh? HUH!"

Yuan dropped to the floor and started pounding the cemented ground. "Damn you Botta! You foiled my coolness yet again!"

Zelos patted his hunny's back, "Don't worry, you don't have a flat butt! Forcy is just mad."

Forcystus glared down at the red head before he cleared his throat. "Anyway, I am back. May you all fear my golden cannon arm, which isn't really gold. It's just 9karat, and I got it from the Dollar Tree down the street. I use it for many things, which I must not tell you. Like, I see some really hot girls and pretend I fall. But really, I have a camera in here. So I look up their skirts. I didn't really die. After bad-arss Kratos and/or Lloyd tried to kill me, I teleported away to fulfil my dreams. Becoming a porn king!"

Zelos and the others were already walking away to the Casino, all singing the _Star-spangled Banner._

Forcystus cleared his throat again. "Lord..wait, you are no longer above me! Zelos, Seles! This has nothing to do with you! But...since the Desian Grand Cardinalis are gone, no one knows about us! I am here to tell you our story!"

Yggdrasill, pulling Zelos' arm, floated over to Forcy. "Force-force! Are you really going to tell us?"

Forcystus blushed, "My lord Yggdrasill! I begged for you to not ever say that nick name outside of the _room_."

Yggdrasill gave him a back handed slap. "Answer me!" Forcystus fell to the floor, hitting his cheap chair, making it blow up.

The blue haired, half elf stared in dismay. He then held his cheek, "My lord! Wh-why?"

Zelos narrowed his eyes. "Tell us teh story...!" He said, not using proper English.

"Of course! Let us go to the casino! No wait, better yet, the beach!"

Forcystus got up from his feet, and finally realized it was nighttime.

Anyway...

The group, Zelos Wilder, Sheena Fujibayashi, Lloyd Irving, Kratos Aurion, Colette Brunel, Genis Sage, Regal Bryant, Presea Combatir, Mithos Yggdrasill, Seles Wilder, Forcystus No-last-name, Yuan No-last-name and Raine Sage went to the beach. From there, Forcystus began telling them the story.

"Lady Pronyma, who lord Yggy killed, used to be a scrawny lil girl."

"Prone-prone!" Yggdrasill said, clapping his hands together. Zelos moved further away.

"Please, Lord Yggy, Pronyma loved you and all, but she despised that nickname. Anyway, when she reached puberty, she became a porn star. Why you all ask?"

"No." The party answered.

Forcy ignored that and continued, "Well, when she was younger, she had a dream of killing everyone. But she had no chest and all. So once she began to grow, she became well-endowed, if you all know what I mean..." He started winking like a loser.

Yuan, Zelos, Kratos and Regal winked back, and wiggled their eyebrows.

Raine, Sheena, Presea and Seles were disgusted. Yggdrasill, Genis, Colette and Lloyd were confused.

Colette raised her hand, shifting on the sandy beach. "What do you me-"

"Whatever," He also ignored her. "Now, for the story of Magnius and Kvar. They are really brothers, but they were so ugly, their parents died when they came out of their mom. They are really fraternal twins. Before they died, their dad blamed their mom of cheating on him. The care givers also died when they saw how ugly both were. So, if you were wondering why they are such asses, you can't blame them."

"Now, for Roydle, he was one ugly mother-freaker. His parents were really those purple dragons you encountered. He wasn't really working for Lord Yggy, he wanted to turn into Colette and get some guys, if you know what I mean..." Forcystus started winking once again.

Zelos, Yuan and Yggdrasill winked back. Kratos, Regal, Presea and the others were disgusted. And a random kid, the one at the arena, was also picking his nose again, shaking his head.

"Then there was...who was the other guy? Pronyma, Roydle, Magnius, Kvar...oh, me! I was a deprived child. Well, afterwards, we half elves met each other at this garbage dump. So we all decided, _'Why not make a band?'_. And so, the Naised Dnarg Slanidrac made a band. If you notice, that is DCG spelt back words."

Presea gave him an evil eye. "How are _we_ supposed to know when you _said _it? Fruitcup."

The light blue haired man ignored her ignorant comment, "We started ripping off songs. Here are a few of them; _Ready Steady Golfing, Pokeman, Digiman, Catdung, Fire Essecne, Numa Amun Dance, American Idiotic-fool._ We had a lot more, but people called us gay. Why? I mean, I was in pink speedos. Pronyma was in a bikini, and she looked hot. The two brothers were in disco outfits and Roydle had a Super Cape on."

Genis raised his hand, "What did you do?"

"Well, _I_ was the vocalist, as you can see Pronyma has a scary voice. She played the electronic guitar, Magnius was on the keyboard, Kvar was on the drums and Roydle was on the Symbols. But people hated our band. I mean, listen to my singing talent!"

Everyone prepared for the worst as Forcystus began singing the English _Numa Numa Dance._

"_Hello, hello! It's me again, Picasso! I will spray, my words of love with your name on every wall. When you leave my colors fade to gray, Numa numa ay, Numa numa numa ay. Every word of love I used to say, now I paint them everyday-ay!"_

Forcystus finished his messed up version of the song, bowed and looked at the group.

Yuan and Zelos were crying in each other arms, "He sounded like a dying cow!" They both said.

Colette and Lloyd were vehemently shaking their heads in displeasure.

Raine was trying to get Kratos to hold her again, but it turned out that he was also crying in Yggdrasill's arms.

Genis was weeping, calling for Mithos to hold him in such a dire situation. Presea, Regal and Seles ran to the edge of the ocean, and started to throw up.

Sheena was busy summoning someone or something.

_Do I sing horribly? No wonder everyone booed us when we were done. I was CERTAIN it was Pronyma's bad guitar skills. But not me! Forcystus, the coolest of all the DCG, the hottest in all of Cruxis, the straightest, never once being gay. _

The broken hearted half-elf glanced over Sheena, who was about to do her summoning chant.

"I call upon the ruthless leader, the person who sits in a big chair for all eternity, never once doing anything. I summon thee, come George W. Bush!"

But before Fujibayashi could call upon the horrible might that was George Dubya Bush, Yggdrasill slapped her mouth shut, with masking tape.

"You remind me of that Chocolat girl." He responded.

"She was an ass." Everyone, including Forcystus said back.

Zelos looked over at the group, "Y'know, I'm tired of this. Yuan, Forcystus, Kratos, wanna follow me and be peeping toms?" The three nodded. "Alright! Follow me, Cruxis Buddies!" They all pranced off, rainbow lights radiating off their bodies.

"Skittles, taste the rainbow..." Yuan whispered.

Seles and Genis, being smart-asses, went to go and find an Isotope.

Raine, Sheena, Colette and Presea wanted to do their hair, so they went to a Salon in the hotel.

Yggdrasill and Regal went to the casino, where they blew off their money.

* * *

...That wasn't all that funny. But I wanted to put up another chapter. As I stated before, suggestions are always welcome! When you review, just put a suggestion for a new chapter, if you want. 

In case some didn't know:

DCG: Desian Grand Cardinals.

Ready Steady Golfing: Ready Steady Go! Opening theme to Full Metal Alchemist

Pokeman: Pokemon first season opening theme

Digiman: Digimon

Catdung: Catdog

Fire Essecne: Fire Emblem opening themes

Numa Amun Dance: Numa numa dance

American Idiotic-fool: American Idiot.


	12. It's Cruxis Time

Don't worry, the next chapters will be better. This one isn't that funny. Hehehe, sorry. I forgot who wanted me to do this chapter XD. Sorry, it's been so long.

Warning: OOC-ness, shounen-ai (sorta), ripping off names, cursing. And for the record, I think Yggdrasill is _so_ much better than him. And I like Leon more than Kratos (now I just need to play the game)...

Disclaimer: Don't own anything! No, I don't own Ghost in the Shell, DBZ, King Kong. And the song _Karma_ is the main theme for the newest Tales game: _Tales of the Abyss _(Japan only). _The End of a Thought_ is the song that plays when you have to fight Kratos one on one. I don't own Tales of Destiny either. And I spelt Vegeta wrong, didn't I? And the speech that Yggdrasill/Kratos do is from one of the members on the _Tales Series_ _Forums_. I owe it to him/her for that damn speech. XD

It's Cruxis time

_Coming from out of his room, Mithos held a paper in his bratty little hands. 'Hey! Guys, I figured something out!'_

_Yuan and Kratos were sitting on one of the purple beds in Vinheim, playing Black Jack, so they ignored him. _

_It wasn't like Mithos wasn't use to this, ever since Martel died, those two ignored him. _

_The blond half-elf tiptoed over to them, slapping their cards out of their hands. _

_Kratos and Yuan stared with dismay at their empty hands, 'I'm so useless!' _

_Yuan screamed, throwing himself to the floor. Mithos rolled his eyes, kicking past his older friend. _

'_I know how to bring Martel back!' He shouted, jumping up on Kratos and sitting on his lap. 'We have to make a group, and with this certain group, we will deem certain, 'chosen' people to be a host for my sister's body.'_

'_That's retarded . . . ' Yuan muttered. Mithos threw him a hostile look, but the other half-elf ignored it. 'Puh-leze, I do not want an ugly person to be my fiancee.'_

_Mithos Yggdrasill thought for a second, slowing directing his eyes to Kratos, who was scratching his armpit, 'We will have Kratos here to make sure that the girl...or guy is hot.' _

_Nobody heard the brat mumble 'guy' under his breath, so they both agreed. Then they went out for some ice-cream and Philly Cheese-stakes..._

_**4,000 something years later...**_

Yggdrasill smiled proudly at his creations. Though it had taken the man about 4,000 sum years, he had finally created _Cruxis _(which stood for: **C**orrupt **R**epertoire of **U**nwanted E**x**treme **I**gnorant **S**ubjects) and the base, _Welgaia_. And lifeless, ugly angels that were imitations of some ugly person.

Floating, since he obviously did nothing else since he got his pansy wings, he went over to his friends, Yuan and Kratos.

Slapping his hands on either one of their shoulders, Yggdrasill stared down at them with a suggestive look.

The two stared at each other and dropped to their knees. You see, after Mithos turned into Yggdrasill, he had grown uber powerful. And so, since he was powerful, his friends could no longer insult him like they used to do. So over those many years, they turned into pansy losers and always submitted to Mithos.

Yggdrasill grinned, crossing his arms, "Now look what we have done, my dear Kratos and Yuan. We have created a faction, a faction that will soon make all those worthless beings tremble in terror. I have an army of 10 million lifeless angels at my disposal-"

"Actually," Yuan interrupted, "It's 5,000."

Yggdrasill paused and stared lamely at the blue-haired man, "Yuan, your smart mouth always gets you in trouble. I want to see you in _The Room_, for punishment later today."

Yuan's face turned pale and he stared down at his feet. Kratos started to snicker to himself.

"Any who, we need to gather a group of five people to make a smaller faction. I will call them the; _Desian Grand Cardinals_. This group will consist of one hot female, one hot male and three ugly men," He shifted his eyesight to the auburn haired man who was scratching his armpit...again. "Kratos, you will have to go check out the new Chosen of Sylvarent. I heard she's quite the beauty. While Yuan will go see the Chosen of Tethe'alla. I've heard he's quite the looker, and you will be satisfied."

Yuan scowled to himself, but said nothing.

"I, for one, will be looking for the members of the DCG."

"Shouldn't it be DGC?" Yuan questioned.

Yggdrasill narrowed his eyes, but disregarded his comment and floated away...

_**In Sylvarent...**_

_So where did Lord Yggdrasill say the Chosen will be?_

Kratos shrugged to himself, his leader never told him to go talk to the girl. Only to check her out. Remembering Anna, he started to go into Kratos-Emo-mode.

"18 years! 18 years! I think...or has it been 20? Or...15? Bah...whatever. I'm not saying that she's a gold-digger..." Closing his eyes, Kratos began skipping down the path to Iselia. Since he wasn't looking where he was going, Kratos smashed into someone.

"Ahh! Oh! I'm sorry! So sorry!" Came a female voice.

"It is quite all right, my dear..." The angel rubbed his butt and slowly began getting to his feet, opening his eyes.

Standing there in front of him was a woman with white hair and large blue eyes. She was wearing a bright orange and white cloak along with white boots. The woman, who he had just realized was an elf, was staring at him, just like Yggdrasill would.

Suggestively.

"Who are you?" She asked, moving forward and dropping her books on the ground, causing dust to fly up and form a cloud. They seemed to form the words, 'You're doomed!'. "You are quite the specimen."

Kratos took a step back, "Give me your name..."

"...My student, Lloyd, says that. 'Give me your name and I shall give you mine'. Well, I am Raine Sage. And what is yours?"

"..." The man muttered, trying to think of something clever to say.

"Ahh, I see you are shy. Well, follow me. Would you like to meet the Chosen?" She ran forward and latched onto him.

"Oh Martel, save me!" Kratos screamed, as Raine tried to kiss him.

_Damn it, I hope Yuan is having this much trouble!_

_**In Tethe'alla...**_

Yuan scratched the back of his head, as he entered Meltokio. He had heard from his sources that the Chosen of Tethe'alla was supposed to live in this place.

"Excuse me..." He mumbled, grabbing a young, pink-haired woman's shoulder (whose name was _Zelos Groupie #12232_). Yuan twirled her around, about to ask her were the Chosen lived.

"Oi! Zel...wait...who the hell are you!" Zelos Groupie #12232 screamed, pushing him away. "Rape!" Then she slapped him and ran off.

Yuan held his cheek and glowered at the mass of people who had gathered around. "Omigosh! It's a half-elf! OMG!" They all shouted, as if they were having seizures.

The half-elf began to walk again, hitting them away, and shuffled away quickly. Before he realized it, Yuan was in front of a huge mansion. He didn't even know how he even got there, but he knew it was the Chosen's house.

Yuan stomped over to the front door and was about to knock on it, when it flew open. A blonde stepped out, wearing some frilly dress.

"Good bye Zelos!"

"Good-bye my hunny! Or Groupie #43!"

She thrust Yuan out of the way and went prancing down the brick walkway.

"And just who the hell are you?" Zelos asked, adjusting his gloves. Yuan was blinded by the pink he was donning.

"I work for Cruxis, and my boss wants to see you."

"Oh yeah, that blond haired man, right? Well, he came by about 20 minutes ago. He explained to me everything. Come on in!" Zelos reached over and yanked him inside of his house.

"I think we really should get going."

"Nonsense, Lord whatever his name was said you can stay with me as long as you like. And he was right, you are hot."

So for the next two hours, Yuan and Zelos sat around playing, _Guess that Zelos Groupie_.

_**2 days later in Welgaia...**_

"Sorry I'm late!" The Chosen screamed, rushing into the blueish hall. Yggdrasill ignored him, checking out his new group.

"Ahh! We are now complete! I will now establish the rules," The man took out a letter and began reading it. "The wings make the man, as I always say (starting today). We Seraphim have shinier and far more glittery wings than you average angels, making us automatically better."

When he said that, Yuan, Kratos and Zelos stepped forward, waving at all the lesser angels, and the members of the DCG. Fanfare began to play for them, and ribbons floated down from somewhere, with the accompanying music: _We like to Party_.

Afterwards, Yggdrasill continued, "I have rather lengthy and unique looking wings, indubitably earning me the top boss cap so I can wear it and show it off to all my subservient friends, who will compliment me regularly on the hour every hour. But only twice a day when I'm feeling moody."

When he was finished, he handed the rest to Kratos to end it. The man cleared his throat, "Mithos, of course, is the best thing since whatever was "the shit" before sliced bread. He has rainbow colored wings. You never ever see something like that, and you damn well know not to mess with it. His wings are about the size of Bill Gate's money vaults. His wings are so big you wouldn't even be able to get close enough to give him a good kick up the ass, much less damage him."

Disgusted, Zelos and Yuan began to barf. But the members of the DCG and the lifeless angels clapped. Then the same fanfare began to play, only the music quickly changed to: _Karma_.

"Hold up, hold up." The music quickly came to a screeching halt, switching to _The End of a Thought_. "I, the great Chosen of Tethe'alla, Zelos Wilder, will assign everyone who's anyone nicknames." He pointed over to Yggdrasill first. "Lord Mithos will either be known as, _The best shit since slice bread_,_ Kusanagi/King Kong _or _Sephiroth-wannabe-but-is-still-cooler-than-him_."

"I want to be called _The best shit since slice bread_."

"Okay, Lord Yggdrasill has spoken. Now the old man. I was thinking _Leon Magnius-from-Tales-of-Destiny-rip-off._" Kratos was about to object, but Zelos coughed really loud and went on to Yuan. "He will be known as_ Zelos' Hunny_."

Yuan didn't say anything, causing Yggdrasill to shake his head.

"What about our names?" Pronyma screamed, pulling on Forcystus' pretty-ful blue hair.

"Be patient, my hunny. Okay, you will be known as...uh...I'll come back to you. Magnius is _Vegeta_. Kvar is _The O rly? Owl_, while Roydle is _Goshdaaaaaammmnnn you're ugly._ Forcystus is _The Dollar Tree_." Zelos went on, forgetting about Pronyma.

Yggdrasill clapped his hands together, causing a disco ball to appear from the roof of the room. So, all night long (all night, all night), they disco'd the night away.

That was, until Yggdrasill made Zelos and Yuan go into _The Room_ to be punished for 'public display of affection'.

_**And that is the true story of how Cruxis was made...you wasted about 3 minutes of your life reading this. Good Job. O rly? Ya rly! No wai!11one Ya wai!11one**_

* * *

Wow, it took me a million years to update this. Bah, I wish it could have been better. I need to stop writing so much angst, man. Please R and R. Oh, and _The Room_ is a very horrible place.

And to KiraIrving (I think that's how you spell it...): SHEENA IS MINE! DAMN IT, MINE!


	13. Spandex

Yeah, sorry for the long wait. I'm now officially out of my Hiatus–will probably update my SSBM stories first. Or write a Tales of the Abyss Guy/Luke fanfic. Anyway, here's the next chapter.

Yeah...I need to go back to working on my funny.

Warning: Some hints of shounen-ai, OOC-ness (like always), language, stupidity, and things that don't make sense. And the fact that Kratos knows about France doesn't make sense either.

Disclaimer: XD Hehe, I got this idea from one of my most loved friends on GAIA: Daruki. There was a question asked (I don't even remember if I was the one who asked it), "Why does Yggy wear spandex?", and she gave this explanation on why he wears one. So...this chapter is answering the question why Yggy wears spandex. O Oh yeah, I do not own the following: Tales of Symphonia, or Tales of Legendia. The rock...is my own creation, and 'Mmmmyes' came from one of my other friends on GAIA Rping as Kvar. Gawd, my friends are sad.

Collet--Colette. Drr. Deal with it.

My Spandex brings all the Horses to the yard

Book in hand, Kratos walked down the hallways of Vinheim. Then he walked up the staircases of Vinheim. And then, finally, he walked in the rooms of Vinheim.

Well, that part didn't happen.

Just Kratos' luck, the blue-haired gay idiot suddenly appeared in front of him.

"Yu...what the hell are you wearing?" The auburn haired man asked, screwing up his totally hawt face with a large scowl.

Dawned in an all black, tight leather outfit (with a whip in his right hand), Yuan flipped his hair–which was currently out of its normal ponytail. "Shut up, Aurion. You _know_ I look hot."

"No. You look gay." Was Kratos' simple reply.

"Same thing. Anyway, I came to tell you, hun, explain to Mithos that I'll be out at a strip clu–er, I mean, dance club."

"...Today's the day when we get fitted for our new clothes. Mithos will be angry."

"And you think _I_ give a shit? Anyway, deliver the message for him, hun."

"Don't call me that."

"Right, right. Hun." Yuan blew Kratos a kiss before he skipped off down the hall. To..somewhere.

_Oh, right. The Strip Club._

Kratos shuddered, brought his book back to his face and continued his walk. Once he reached his destination, he rapped the door once before trotting in.

Mithos was standing in front of a mirror, arms out at either side of him. Behind the small boy was a taller, white-haired man.

"Hey, Kratos." The 14-year-old greeted, smiling at him. He put his hands down for a second, which caused the man behind him to gasp about sixteen times.

"Ah, hello Mithos. Hello Hans." Kratos nodded at the stylist before closing the door to the room. "So, after Mithos is done, I guess you will be getting my measurements next?"

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmyes." Hans replied.

Kratos stared at him for ten minutes.

"Kuraaaa" Mithos sang out, throwing his hands up in the air. "What is that you're reading?"

Hans looked at Kratos, and Kratos looked back at Hans, face paling. "Um...well, er...uh..."

"IT'S PORNO, ISN'T IT?! LET ME SEE! LET ME SE--" The annoying half-elven boy tilted the palm of his left-hand back. As he started up his annoying screams of annoying again, Mithos got overexcited, and instead of farting, a beam of white light formed in his hand and shot out at Hans.

"Mmmmmmmmmmno." And Hans died that very day. Actually, he exploded.

Silence hung in the air for about five minutes, before Kratos spoke up: "...It's a book...Machiavelli's _The Prince_. To say the very least, it is extremely inter-"

"Shut up, Kratos."

-----------------------------------------

_Ten days after that sad day..._

Yggdrasill moaned–exaggerated porn-style–and glared at the teenager standing in front of him. The blond leader of Cruxis slid down a bit in his uber leet throne, "Who is this?"

"Hans' apprentice: Walter Delques."

Yggdrasill sat back up, eyeing the other blond-haired boy. "He has a last name now?"

Walter and Kratos just _stared._

"...don't answer that. Anyway, can he make leet outfits for me and my crew?"

Walter, who had been kneeling down, got up and took a step forward. "Actually, my lord," He started, gazing at Yggy with lame blue eyes. "I, sadly, know nothing else but how to make spandexes."

"That's not a word."

They both ignored Kratos.

"That's all right, Walter. I don't mind. As long as..." Yggdrasill rose from his throne (he floats, remember that), and slid his hands down the sexy curves of his body. "It shows my features." And by features, Mithos meant he wanted an outfit that made him _look_ like an adult.

Walter nodded three times, and took out his measuring devices.

Yggdrasill began to check the older man out, "...Kratos? Where is Yuan?"

The human coughed, "My lordship, I think he said something about wanting to go and party at a dance club."

"...That cannot be true. ...Yuan seems too serious for that. ...besides, he has been Emo ever since my...Martel died."

-----------------------------------------

Blinded by the neon colored lights, the brown-haired half-elf used his hands to shield his eyes and to cover his left ear from the roaring techno.

"Master Yuan...where are you...?" Botta questioned out loud, pushing past a bunch of humans taking/using/snuffing Ex.

"OH YEAH, BABEH, ROCK THAT HORSE!"

Botta No-Last-Name paled and covered his mouth. He _knew_ that voice.

Turning about 150 degrees West, he saw a huge crowd of people forming a circle around the main stage. A long pole was drilled into it...and on the stage...were two people.

Shivering, Botta quickly made his way to the area, as fast as he could.

Fifteen minutes of kicking people later, he reached his destination.

And to his horror, he saw his blue-haired bud for life pole-dancing with some...red-haired girl. Or guy. He couldn't tell.

"Master Yuan!" Botta called. But his words went unheeded. Drastic times call for drastic measures. Taking in a deep breath, the half-elf took three steps back and launched himself forward, flying into the red-haired she-man, and shoving him/her off the stage.

No one cared, actually. They all shrugged and went back to go shoot some drugs.

"Booootttaaaa" Yuan sang out, winding himself around the poll.

"Master Yuan," Said man repeated for the 15th time that day. "We must go and organize the Renegades!"

"Rent-a-gays? What kind of name is that for an organization...?" Yuan slurred, falling down on his ass. He then cracked his whip for no apparent reason.

"REN-UH-GADES, sir."

"Renegades? That's even WORSEsss! A...and where di...did my date go?" Yuan asked, rolling around on the ground.

"He's on the floor."

"No...not a guy. O...oh, he...hey. D-did I eva tell you you're very, very ugly?"

"OMGWTF?!" Botta screeched, throwing himself to the floor so he could cry.

-----------------------------------------

Yggdrasill lips were still in the shape of an 'O'. "No, I can't imagine Yuan at a Dance Club."

"Done with your measurements, my lord. I will go and tailor up your new attire right away." With that said, Walter promptly excused himself from the room.

"...Lord Yggdrasill? Who will be doing my clothes?" Kratos questioned, a bit confused. Wasn't Walter supposed to take his measurements too?

"...Kratos? Oh, I didn't even realize you were here."

"..."

"_That's_ your Tailor." Yggdrasill pointed a well-manicured finger off towards the deepest, darkest corner of the room.

"A...shadow, sir?"

"No, you _imbecile_, the thing IN the shadows."

And out rolled a rock.

"A...rock, sir?"

"Yes. Name's Jay!Boulder. He will be your tailor-er."

"That's not a word, my lord."

"Hey? Hey? Hey, Kratos? Shut the fuck up."

"Yes, my lord."

-----------------------------------------

After a night out on the town (or horse), Yuan came skipping back into Welgaia, dawned in his uber leet blue and cool outfit (the one you NOW see him wear). Botta, his manly assistant, decided that they needed a cool tailor to do their clothes, so he found the best in the Tethe'allan area:

Actually, the person's name isn't important.

He made it to the Great Seed Hall, where Yggdrasill was going to hold a meeting.

"Good day, Lord Yggdrai...whoa."

"...What, _Yuan_, you don't like my _Spandex_?!" The deranged angel yelled, giving Walter a pimp kick to the face. "_I said I wanted something to show my adult features! Not my ladylike build!_"

"My apologies, my lord. My apologies."

"_Shut-up!_"

And insert two minutes of excessive pimp kicking and pimp smacking here.

Kratos strolled in, dawned in his beautifully ghey purple duds. He took one look at Yggdrasill and turned around, quickly leaving the premise.

Then he came back.

"Good morning, my Lord."

Yggdrasill stopped his abuse, "..._How did a ROCK do a better job than...than...Humans are so damn USELESS!_"

Yuan and Kratos had to cover their ears. So, the two spent the rest of their day doing absolutely nothing.

They never found out what the meeting was about.

-----------------------------------------

"And that is why Yggdrasill wears spandexes." Kratos concluded, nodding his head.

Lloyd and his group stared at the older man.

"Yo, we didn't even _ask_ you why he wore spandex." Zelos scowled.

"Spandexes isn't a word." Raine corrected.

Presea rose an eyebrow, "How can a _rock_ tailor clothes?"

"How did you know what I did at that strip club?! That's a plot hole!" Yuan screamed at the top of his lungs, pointing a finger at Kratos.

"Why was a human working for Yggdrasill?" Genis questioned.

Collet also wanted to jump in, "How can you rock a horse?"

Kratos glared at Regal, Sheena and Lloyd, almost _daring _them to ask him a question. "First of all," The man started, turning his attention to Collet. "It's because _Yuan_ is an idiot. And you," He nodded at Genis. "I'm going to ignore that question." The former Cruxis member then looked at Yuan. "Because I _just know_. And your face is a plot-hole" Next was Raine. "Shut the hell up." And last was Zelos.

The redhead scoffed, "You forgot Presea."

"Oh right. Because rocks _can_, Combatir, because they _can_." And NOW it was Zelos.

"That's like asking why you're so damn gay. But I'll get straight to the point: For almost an eternity, I thought that the only way to save this world was to cling to Mithos' ideals. Just as you once agreed with Mithos' ideals, I, too, thought his was the only way. But Lloyd is different. He taught me that in order to change something, you must do it yourself. It is not enough to merely rely on someone else and go along with their ideals."

Everyone was taken by surprise.

"H-hey! You said the exact same thing to ORIGIN!" Lloyd stood up, and punched the wall he was sitting next to.

"Watch the wood, Lloyd." An Irish sounding voice called from inside the house.

"Sorry, dad!"

"That had absolutely _no_ relevance to what I said a few minutes ago, old man." And then Zelos began to snort.

"Shut your mouth, before I take you by the hair, drag you into Dirk's house, take you into Lloyd's room, throw you onto his bed, rip off your clothes, tie you up with those strings on his collar, show you how they _really_ kiss in France, insert thousands of hours of foreplay here and rape you."

The wind, birds, animals, sun, clouds and everything caught in-between stopped instantaneously.

"..."

"So...you guys wanna go to the Strip Club down in Palmacosta?" Yuan questioned, standing up.

"LAWLZ, LET'S GO!" Everyone cheered, getting to their feet.

And so, Kratos, Yuan, Zelos, Lloyd, Regal, Collet, Genis, Raine, Presea, Noishe, and Dirk all ran down the road to Viridian...Palmacosta.

* * *

My God, I'm so sorry. D: And there's probably grammar mistakes somewhere...aww well, I'll edit it later. And I know it's not that funny, SHHH. 


End file.
